It's Official: I'm Fat

I was brave enough to step on the scale today - knowing it wouldn't be good.  I was right - 267.8 pounds. Sometimes, I hate to be right.  Half of me wishes I hadn't stepped on that Number Bully, but the other half is grateful.  I have a starting place now.  I have work to do, but I know I can do it.  I've done it before - several times, as a matter of fact.  It's the whole "maintaining" gig that I have trouble with.

For me, the easiest thing to do is just start.  Start fresh.  Start new.  Not focusing on what's behind me, but focusing on what's ahead of me.  I've taken baby steps this week - just by cooking at home.  Which brings me to the reason why I'm thankful that our freezer broke down over Christmas break.  I  cooked.  A lot!  We still lost some stuff, but we did a lot of bulk cooking and I've re-energized my love of cooking and my love of reading & collecting recipes.  My love of creating delicious foods and having people enjoy their meal.  I've missed that.   My thing though is that I don't really like measuring things out.  I come from a long line of dumpers that are blessed with just knowing what tastes good.  That being said, in order to be accountable for what goes into my body, I really do need to be more accountable about what goes into my meals.

I did South Beach Diet several years ago and lost over 100 pounds.  I felt great, I had more energy. I smiled a lot.  Then my heart got shattered and I just..........stopped.  Before I knew it, the weight was back - all of it, plus an additional 30 pounds.  I know it wasn't "literally" overnight, but it truly feels like it.  I wasn't really aware, if that makes any sense.  And when I realized what I'd done to myself, I was shattered all over again.  I cannot describe the level of self-loathing and embarrassment that comes from gaining back everything that I'd worked so hard for.  I just gave up. It feels like just yesterday, but it's almost been a decade since I successfully decided to change my life and followed through.

What's different this time around is I do have several medical conditions, some of which cause me to be in chronic pain on a daily basis.  Others, however, I think can be corrected with mindful eating.  Mindful living.  Exercise though, will have to be on the back burner.  I can walk - and I plan to, Anything more intensive probably won't be in the cards for awhile.  I've had the talk with my doctor and she agrees with me, for now.  Right now, we're focusing on the food and what I put into my body.  For me, I think tying in the fundamentals with the original South Beach program, along with Weight Watchers is the best course for me.  So that's the route I'll go.

To start, I'm just eating as normal, but I"m tracking my foods.  I want a realistic idea of what I'm doing to myself.  The thing is, even as I'm cooking the instant oatmeal, I know it's crap.  I know I should just make a batch of homemade and go from there. Or even better yet, forego the carbs all together and make a batch of scrambled eggs!

I love collecting recipes and meal planning.  Currently, I'm addicted to Plan to Eat and am enjoying planning our family meals and using the site to create shopping lists that I can either print off, or check off on my phone.  It's easy and so convenient!

Tonight's dinner will be this Butternut Squash & Apple Soup recipe I found at Simply Recipes.  It' looks delicious and will be something new for me - I've never tried making or eating a squash soup before.

I think I've rambled enough for today.  If you're visiting for the first time, or revisiting me - thanks so much for stopping by!  Hopefully, you'll come back and see me again. I'm planning on making updates at least a few times a week, so keep popping by :-)  You're always welcome!

"Don't wait until you've reached your goal to be proud of yourself.  Be proud of every step you take toward reaching that goal."  ~~ Unknown

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